Expression of a Lost Heart
My Heart
I struggle with codependency—particularly with getting too close to women. When this happens, I tend to forget about Jesus, my friends, and even my family. This pattern has repeated twice in my life. The second time, six years ago, cost me dearly: my mental and spiritual health, my sense of peace, and a large sum of money.
This woman had been in my life before and reappeared unexpectedly. I should have known better—she had manipulated two of my close friends in the past. But I wanted to believe she had changed. She pretended to care, claiming she loved me like a brother. That touched something deep in me. I have only one brother, and we’re not close. The thought of having a sister-like bond was exciting and filled a longing I hadn’t acknowledged.
Our relationship quickly turned codependent. I couldn’t get enough of her. In time, I shut out God and distanced myself from my other relationships. She began asking me for money, and I willingly gave it—blinded by what I thought was love and loyalty. I ignored every red flag and warning sign.
When we choose someone or something over God, sometimes He removes His hand of protection to get our attention. Like a broken dam, the enemy came rushing in, filling my mind with lies and suicidal thoughts. Depression took hold of me. My friends saw the signs and told me my relationship with her was unhealthy. But I didn’t listen. I was too far in, too consumed.
Eventually, something inside me began to awaken. I stopped giving her money. And as soon as the money stopped, she vanished. She cut all communication and moved out of town so I couldn't recoup the money she scammed me of. That’s when it hit me—she never loved me. I had been manipulated and scammed for over $12,000.
In the aftermath, I lost more than money. I lost friendships. I lost connection with my family. Worst of all, I lost my closeness with Jesus. I was empty inside—just a shell of a man, broken and betrayed. I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to heal.
But then, I turned back to the One I had turned away from. Jesus welcomed me with open arms. He picked me up, held me, and began to heal my heart. First, He filled it with His deep, unshakable love. Then He began restoring my spirit, forgiving me for pushing Him away—and for hurting those who truly loved me.
I started reading the Psalms and discovered that David, too, experienced betrayal from those he loved. His raw honesty encouraged me to be honest with God, to hold nothing back. I poured out my heart to Jesus, again and again. And He listened.
Over time, Jesus healed not only my heart, but also my emotions and spirit. The depression that once ruled me began to lift. The suicidal thoughts lost their power. And the forgiveness He gave me, I chose to extend to the woman who hurt me. I forgave her—not because she deserved it, but because I no longer wanted to carry the poison of bitterness.
I even feel sorrow for her now. She only sees people for what she can get from them. Because of that, she may never truly love or be loved—and that is a deep tragedy.
I also reconciled with the two long time friends who never gave up on me. They stood by me, and to this day, we remain close. I made things right with my family as well. They forgave me and welcomed me back with open arms.
Today, I no longer dwell on the past. Yes, satan—and sometimes people—try to remind me of my failures. But I refuse to live in shame. Instead, I’m focused on the present and hopeful for the future. I walk alongside those who truly love me, and I hold fast to Jesus—my first love. I pray I will never again replace Him with anyone or anything.
He alone is worthy of all my heart.
For Your Heart
Do you think you're too far gone for Jesus to welcome you back? Do you feel like you’ve sinned one too many times for Him to accept you?
Let me tell you a story.
There was a son who had a brother and a wealthy father. One day, this son asked for his share of the inheritance—before his father even died. And surprisingly, the father agreed. The son collected the money and left town.
He moved to a big city like L.A.—warm, sunny, full of women and excitement. He partied, spent money on anything and everything, and chased the high life. While he lived it up, he never called his father. He didn’t think of home. He was lost in the world he had bought.
Meanwhile, his father waited, heart heavy with worry, praying every day for his son’s return.
Then the money ran out. The friends disappeared. The parties stopped. The son, desperate for work, ended up at a pig farm—dirty, hot, smelly, and brutal. So poor and hungry, he thought about eating the pigs’ food.
Finally, he came to his senses. “My father’s workers live better than this. Maybe he’ll take me back as one of them.”
He made the long journey home, rehearsing his apology the whole way.
But before he even reached the house, his father saw him in the distance. The old man dropped everything and ran towards the son. Tears filled his eyes. Joy erupted in his heart. He ordered the best clothes, the family ring, and a feast to be prepared.
Why? Because his son—who was lost—was home again.
The son barely got a word out before his father embraced him. There was no lecture. No scolding. Just love. Pure love.
This is a modern retelling of the Prodigal Son—one of Jesus’ most powerful parables.
In the story, the father represents God. The son? That’s you. That’s me.
God sees you—even from a distance, even in your mess. He’s not angry. He’s not waiting to punish you. He’s longing to restore you. To clothe you in righteousness. To bring you home.
He doesn’t call you a servant. He calls you a son. A daughter. And your inheritance as His child is still waiting.
Come back to the Father today. His arms are open. Restoration is yours.
My Past without God My Past with God
I look back on four months past,
When darkness crept into my life,
And I wondered how long I would last.
I blamed You, God, for heartache and pain,
Asked why You made me this way,
I felt shortchanged by my lack of gain.
I focused solely on one person then,
Shutting out all my friends, and You,
Hiding behind a curtain.
Pains from the past caught up to the present,
I soon forgot Your love and blessings,
Forgot the friends You sent.
With one blow, Satan knocked me down,
My spirit shattered into a thousand pieces,
My will died without a sound.
Then the sun rose, its rays hitting my face,
A new day, a new life,
Was about to begin with Your grace.
You sent someone who showed me the truth,
About Christianity, grace,
And who I am in You.
Gently, You picked up my broken soul,
Began putting the pieces back together,
Adding some, deleting others, making me whole.
The one person I focused on,
You cast away,
And replaced her with Your Son.
Satan came, with punches of guilt and shame,
I again felt alone and worthless,
But this time, I didn't play his game.
I got down on my knees and started to pray,
One by one, I gave You my sins,
And there in Your hands, they will stay.
I felt renewed, forgiven, and cleansed,
By Your blood, I am healed,
And now able to make amends.
I turned back to the Person I turned away,
Behind me then, now in front of me,
In Your arms, I finally lay.
