Expression of a Heart in Battle
My Heart
I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Ever since middle school, I’ve wrestled with relentless whispers urging me to end my sacred life.
I’ve been to the black pit of despair—crawling on my hands and knees, desperate for a way out—only to hear my own thoughts echoing through the chambers of my mind, telling me I’d be better off gone.
I often feel caught between two worlds, searching for a place to belong. The world rejects me because I believe that mental illness has both spiritual and physical components—something medication alone can’t fix. And the Church often turns away because I also believe that mental illness is not only spiritual but can stem from chemical imbalances in the brain—something prayer alone can’t heal.
Some so-called friends have walked away, not understanding or simply not knowing how to support me. One church even rejected me outright because of my struggle with bipolar disorder.
And yet, a few faithful friends have stayed. They remain in the trenches with me, fighting this battle together.
Still, even with their support, Satan’s lies creep into my mind—telling me no one really wants me, that I’m too much, too broken. After those moments, I often find myself feeling very much alone.
But deep down, I know I’m not.
Because I have someone who fights for me. Someone who boldly confronts the lies. Someone greater than that deceiving snake—Satan. Someone who doesn’t judge me for my mental illness but embraces me with compassion. Someone who doesn’t cast me aside but gently lifts me up. Someone who doesn’t push me away in disgust but draws me closer to His heart.
Of course, I’m talking about no other than Jesus Christ—my Savior, my Lord, and the love of my life.
The truth is, I can’t fight these intense battles alone. I desperately need Jesus with me—in the ring—when I’m facing the onslaught of suicidal thoughts. From my experience, the only way to survive the war in my mind is with Jesus right beside me, fighting alongside me.
For Your Heart
I believe mental illness is both a chemical imbalance in the brain and a spiritual attack from Satan, who desires to destroy us. The Bible says that Satan is like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. He is a murderer—one who longs to take our lives.
For some of us, the mental battle feels like a courtroom trial—our thoughts acting like lawyers, arguing convincingly why our lives aren’t worth living.
But we are not defenseless.
We have two powerful weapons at our disposal. First, we have the Creator of the universe—Jesus Christ, the King of Kings. He stands ready to fight the battle in our minds. He fights for us when our strength is gone. He carries us when we’re too weak to take another step.
Second, we have been given authority in His name. The same power and authority Jesus has over the enemy, He shares with us. This means we have the power to rebuke Satan, his lies, and every suicidal thought he throws like flaming darts into our minds.
With the help of medication, therapy, and Jesus, there is real hope to overcome the darkness of depression.
So please—know this: you are not alone. Even when it feels like you are, you’re not. The battle for your life is real, but so is the One who is fighting for you.
The Battle
I've been crying throughout the day,
As my broken mind gives way.
Warm tears streaming down my face,
As my mind builds its desolate case:
That no one wants me,
No one loves me,
No one cares,
That I am utterly forsaken.
Deeper and deeper,
I descend into the pit,
Where my cry becomes a whisper.
In the darkness, I hear Satan taunting,
"Kill yourself, destroy yourself, end it all,"
His voice is insidious, deeply haunting.
Then I open my eyes
To see a glimmer of light,
Away from the Father of Lies.
On my hands and knees,
I begin to crawl towards the light,
Hoping for some mercies.
My spirit begins to lift his hands
And begins to worship,
Even with unclean hands.
Out of nowhere, like a lightning bolt,
Strength and boldness begin to fill my being,
As I feel the Spirit giving me a jolt.
My voice, like the voice of Christ,
With every utterance, the heavens shake,
As I start to rebuke the deceptive snake:
"Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ,
I claim victory over you,
And command you to stop telling me lies.
I will not bow down to you,
I will not destroy myself,
Nor stand for your lies!
In the name of Jesus Christ,
I command you, Satan, to leave my mind,
My home, and my life!”
With one rebuke, Satan starts to flee,
And God starts coming near to me,
To again give me the victory.
Like the calmness after the storm,
Father God is holding me in His arms,
Where I lay, weak and worn.
His light shining all around me,
Consuming the darkness,
As He lifts me from the pit.
And now I lay back in bed,
Thanking God for one simple thing:
That I am still not dead.
