Expression of a Conflicted Heart
From My Heart
I can deeply relate to Paul’s inner conflict in Romans 7:15–20:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
My tongue has been the battleground of this struggle. With my mouth, I’ve encouraged others, spoken life over them, and even offered worship to God. But in moments of anger, I’ve turned that same mouth into a weapon—lashing out, tearing others down with harsh words. Also in my anger I have cursed the One whom I love. And even used Jesus’s name as a curse word.
Afterward, the guilt rushes in. How can blessings and curses flow from the same lips? How can I lift up one person with kindness and then tear another down with bitterness?
The answer lies in the war within me—a war between the new spirit I’ve been given in Christ and the sin that still lingers because of the enemy.
One of my deepest regrets is the people I’ve hurt because of that sin. There have been friendships nearly lost and relationships strained. Some days, the weight of it bends me to the ground in sorrow.
And then there’s Jesus—my love, my Savior, the One who gave His life for me. I’ve sung worshipful words to Him, declared my devotion with sincerity. And yet, in moments of sin and rage, I’ve used His name in vain. I’ve spoken words I wish I could erase forever.
What amazes me is His forgiveness. Every time I let sin get the better of me—even when I’ve sinned against Him—He forgives. Fully. Freely.
Some people don’t understand that kind of grace. Some have even said I shouldn’t be in ministry because of my sin. And honestly, some days I believe them.
But then I remember: this struggle will not last forever.
One day, when I step through the gates of Heaven, the war inside will cease. No more hurting those I love. No more grieving the heart of Jesus. Only praise, only life-giving words—flowing from a fully redeemed heart.
For Your Heart
Have you ever felt like you were two people living in one body?
On Sunday, you’re worshiping with tears in your eyes. By Monday, you’re shouting at traffic or falling back into old habits. One moment you’re speaking life, the next you’re speaking destruction. You love Jesus—yet sometimes you live like you’ve never met Him.
That’s not hypocrisy. That’s humanity.
There’s a battle inside of you. A battle between your renewed spirit and your old sinful nature. Paul described this internal war with haunting clarity. It's the tension of the “already, but not yet.” You are already saved, but not yet fully sanctified or made perfect.
This isn’t just a struggle with temptation—it’s a struggle with identity.
You are a saint who still sins.
Redeemed, but still being restored.
A citizen of Heaven, living in a body influenced by Hell.
But here’s the good news: Jesus is not shocked by this.
He doesn’t recoil in disgust when you stumble.
He doesn’t revoke your salvation because of your repeated sins.
The war within doesn’t disqualify you—it reminds you of your daily need for grace.
And it points you forward—to the day when the war will end.
What sounds like scandal to some is actually the miracle of the Gospel:
You are forgiven.
Still messy, still in progress, and still deeply loved.
You don’t earn this grace—you receive it.
And when you fall, you fall into the arms of the One who already paid the price to bring you home.
Yes, Heaven and Hell may be at war inside of you.
But Heaven will win—not because you are strong, but because Christ in you is stronger.
I hope my poem encourages you.
Heaven and Hell Inside of Me
Now let me share with you a divine mystery
So very complex like the Holy Trinity
I am declared a saint while still being a sinner
Like being a loser but still declared the winner
With Christ living in me, I have the power to choose
Yet when attempting to do good I sometimes loose
It seems like I’m constantly living out both extremes
Having an outflow from within of two different streams
My schizophrenic tongue is either blessing or cursing
Like polarizing opposites are conversing
I am either uplifting someone or tearing them down
I am either making someone smile or making them frown
I am either being a life-giver or a gravedigger
Or either being a problem solver or making them bigger
Praying Jesus name or using His name as a cuss word
Both coming from the same Chrisitan I know that's absurd
Either I am becoming more and more like Jesus on a Sunday
Or I am becoming more and more like the devil on Monday
Either I am striving to bring my Heavenly Father glory
Or stealing His glory by writing my own story
It's like Heaven and Hell are both inside of me
Fighting a brutal war till one wins the victory
And I have to wonder when I will be finally free
From this unrelenting hell that lies deep within me
Now let me share another divine mystery
Teaching about it almost sounds like heresy
Jesus’s atoning blood has paid it all completely
And because I'm His there is no condemnation for me
Confessing to Him that I gave in to the sin in me
I am always amazed how he forgives me quickly
In your demand for justice please don’t get mad at me
Instead, take it up with God if this makes you real angry
It's like Heaven and Hell are both inside of me
Fighting a brutal war till one wins the victory
Now I'm looking forward someday to the sure guarantee
That I will be rid of this hell that lies deep within me
